The Greatest Love Song

No matter how big the struggle, you are never alone. No matter how big the loss, you are loved. No matter how far the fall, you never have to earn grace. He is by your side. All the time.

By Your Side- Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Mountains to Ant Hills

Right now, I want so badly just to blog away all my thoughts. I want to type them all out so that maybe they'll leave my head. I know that probably won't happen.. but I'm definitely going to give it a shot. Lately, I've come to realize that life is a whole lot bigger than I'd like to think it is. Life is more than your problems, your struggles, the things that keep you awake at night. We aren't on this big ole world for no reason. We have a purpose. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this but I do know where I would like for it to end up... so bear with me. No matter what a person looks like on the outside, they've got some sort of battle going on. Whether its trying to break a habit, trying to move on from the past, or simply trying to make it through the day.. we've all got something we're fighting. Sometimes these struggles can seem so big. They can absolutely tear you apart. Recently I've been struggling with letting go of some things. Although I know it's the right thing for me, It is just so unbearably hard to let go of something that I have become so accustomed to. I've been so strong, yet at times I have been so so weak. It has kept me up, it has followed me around, and it almost changed me completely.. until I woke up one day and realized this: when I'm 35 or 5o or whatever age and married with children, this mountain that I am climbing will look alot like an ant hill. I'll definitely look back on it and reflect.. right now I'm not sure how I'll look back on it.. being negative or positive or nostalgic or compassionate.. but I do know that I am going to be okay. This mountain isn't as big as it seems and I am positive that I will still struggle sometimes, but this too shall pass.

Untitled Blog Post.

So, I can usually come up with some witty sentence or comparison or something to start a blog post, but tonight I am just unable. Don't you love how good it feels when you can control something? When you can change it and tweak it and manipulate it to where it's exactly how you want it to be? I don't mean people, of course. Because that would be immoral. I mean situations. And don't you absoultely hate it when you can't? I do. I've always been the type of person who likes things to run smoothly. From beginning to end. No drama, no metaphorical road blocks, no hurt feelings, nothing like that. I love when things are happy and easy and in control. When something goes completely awry, I have no clue what to do with myself. I absolutely hate to admit that there are things that I have no control over. I hate to admit that sometimes things change and there is nothing I can do about it. I overthink things, worry myself to death, and sleep becomes a complete stranger to me. I always think, "Maybe I could have done this. Maybe that would have helped somehow.."

Nobody should live that way. Nobody should have to walk on eggshells and constantly be afraid that things are going to go wrong. Because it weighs you down. This worry is like my 2nd term backpack times 7. So, you know what? I'm dropping it. Things are going to go wrong. People are going to have to leave sometimes. Things don't always go as planned... and it's all a part of life. The challenges make us stronger. The changes make us wise. Nobody ever said that you had to be ready for all the things life will throw at you. You just have to come back from it.. and you're stronger than you think.

"If you wanna fly, you've gotta give up all the stuff that weighs you down." -Toni Morrison

But What If..

You know what's a little messed up? The phrase "what if". Sometimes I wish that those two words weren't a part of the english language. Not together at least. I find myself asking myself this question too much. It's such a terrible way of thinking. What if I had done this? Would things be this way or that way? What if this happens? What if he does this? What if she says that? I have come to the conclusion that "what if" is banned from my vocabulary. Because no matter how many times I ask myself "what if", it isn't going to change what happened in the past, what is happening now, or what is going to happen. Sometimes you just have to accept things as they come at you, learn from them, move on, and forget about the "what if"s.

It's a Beautiful Ride.

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it sweet time

[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way


But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Hey, J-j-jaded

When I was little, I remember riding in the car and hearing Jaded by Aerosmith. I was pretty small at the time, so I thought I was hearing "Hey, J-J-Janieee". Of course, I later figured out that Steven Tyler probably wasn't talking to Janie. I was singing this song earlier when I realized that I didn't have a clue what the word "jaded" meant. So I looked it up:
JADED
1: fatigued by overwork : exhausted
2: made dull, apathetic, or cynical by experience

There are so many jaded people in this world.. people that are tired, people that live their lives simply going through the motions, people that are afraid to try again because of how things have turned out before. It's a sad thought really.. that people could be out living their lives but they stay inside the lines instead because of the way that someone treated them before. I have this theory that if everyone treated everyone like they were priceless and perfect and wonderful.. that nobody would ever be jaded. Wouldn't it be awesome if people really trusted each other because they didn't have a reason not to? It's unfortunate that someone can trust another person with all that they have and be let down and never ever trust again. It's unfortunate that people are jaded.

Some Insightful Words

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” -Bob Marley

How To Be a Complete and Total Douchebag: The Complete Guide!

DISCLAIMER: This is not directed at anyone. This is not meant to offend anyone. Just me attempting to be humorous. Take it as you will. :)

Alright.. so you wanna be a douchebag? No worries! It's easy. All you have to do is follow these simple steps:

APPEARANCE:
First of all, you can't play the part without dressing the part. We'll start at the top and work our way to the bottom. Stop washing your hair. Stop brushing it. Wake up in the morning, look at your bedhead, and think, "I'm so fine." Leave it that way. If it starts to smell, just spray some febreeze on it. No biggie. OR if you don't want to try that option, just buzz it all off and talk about how hardcore you are for doing it. If you must wear head gear, it is best to choose a hat with a flat bill. There are a wide variety of shirts that fit the profile you are going for. It is best to wear ones that are two sizes too small.. and if you are going to wear a button up, NEVER button it up past the 4th button. Be sure that everyone can see your whole chest. Basically, just be sure that your pecks are being shown off at all times. Now to pants. In the winter, it is best to wear jeans that are extremely tight on your backside. In the summer, wear shorts that are shorter than your girlfriend's. Your shoes do not need to match. At all.

ATTITUDE:
In general: talk about things that you know nothing about. It is perfectly okay. For example: talk about the government, the economy, and politics. Even though you know nothing about them, you can still open your mouth and proceed to let anything AT ALL come out of it. It is okay to speak whenever you would like and it absolutely does not matter if someone else is talking. Have the mentality that nobody is as strong as you, as fast as you, as good at any sport as you, or as good looking as you. Know that you are good looking. And make sure that you never have a profile picture that doesn't have a hot girl in it. Also, be sure to call everybody "bro". Females like to be called "bro". Be very rude. Only drink Sam Adams. JUST SAM ADAMS. Search the internet for bands that nobody else has ever heard of, and talk about how awesome they are.. even if they suck. If you find something, assume that it is yours and take it. Even if you saw it fall out of someone's pocket, it is yours.

If you have a girlfriend: do not refer to her as such. When you take her places, introduce her as your friend. Or your neighbor. Or your house sitter. Or your assistant. It is also acceptable to not acknowledge her presence at all. Do not take her out on dates. If you go out to eat, do not pay for her food. In fact, be sure that she has extra cash.. just incase you don't have enough. Better yet, never go out to eat. Insist that she comes over and makes you a sandwich. Never hold her doors. Just because she is a woman does not mean that she cannot open the door for herself. Ignore this girl as much as possible. Do not text her back before the 45 minute mark because that is unacceptable. Instead of texting her back do things like play Black Ops, shoot squirrels, admire yourself in any reflective surface, take pictures of yourself, talk to other more attractive girls, and wash your truck that you have to use a ladder to get into. Break up with said girl after no more than 4 months. You do not need an excuse.

If you are single: do everything in your power to not be that way. Flirt with as many girls as you possibly can. Do not try and remember their names. That is pointless. Females do not have names. Get as many phone numbers as you can, as fast as you can. Brag to the girls about how much you can bench. That impresses them. You should probably also stick out your chest as much as possible. It also doesn't hurt to make the veins pop out of your neck. Use pick up lines. Contrary to popular belief, they work and they do not offend women at all. Do not ask a girl if she has a boyfriend because you are probably more attractive than him anyways. Remember.. when talking to a female, real douchebags have one purpose and one purpose only.. get her to show you her boobs. It is very important to keep that in mind.

If you follow these simple steps, you can be a douchebag in no time! Good luck and happy douchebaggery!

So, like I mentioned in one of my last posts, I don't do much at my job. Tonight we had a really slow spell. All the beds were clean, my list of chores were done, I'd already painted my nails, texted everyone back.. and there was nothing to do. I could have, of course, read my summer reading book that was sitting in my purse.. but I'd have to be pretty desperate to do that. Not because I don't like books. Because I very much do. But because that book is extremely and utterly boring. And nonfiction. No. Thank. You. So.. I pulled out a little notebook from the side drawer and made some lists: lists of things that I love and lists of things that I could do without. For all that are interested, here you go.

Things that Stephanie dislikes:

• Pessimistic people.


• Mean people.. people that target others just because.


• Ebonics.


• Ignorance.


• People that stand in the hallways/aisles at WalMart like the people behind them have nowhere to be.


• Close mindedness. Is mindedness a word?


• Chihuahuas


• When someone cannot hold a conversation.


• Awkward silences.


• When I pull on a door that is supposed to be pushed and make myself look really dumb.


• Dr. Pepper


• Seafood


• Seeing someone being made fun of


• MATH


• A person that HAS to prove that they are right and you are wrong.


• Clowns


• When someone takes 5 hours to text back


• Dishonesty


• Fighting. With anyone.


• Confrontation.


• Being stuck in the house.


• Not being able to sleep.


• losing touch with someone.


• Looking back on a friendship and knowing that it won't ever be the same.


• Wanting so badly to change something.. yet knowing that you can't.


• Toddlers and Tiaras.


• Politics. Seriously.. shut up.


• When people's tags stick out of their shirts.


• My retainers.


• Being lied to.. because it makes me feel like I wasn't good enough for the truth.


• Being blown off or pushed aside.


• Predictable books.


• Having so many children that you deserve a reality show.


• That my list is this long.. and that it could keep going.

Things that Stephanie loves:

• Sunshine.


• Coffee.


• Taco Bell


• Shoes of every shape and kind and color and brand <3


• Nail polish


• Good books.


• English.


• When you lay on the couch all day and feel like you haven't wasted a single minute.


• My nephews.


• Miniature things


• Bonfires


• Sailboats


• Audrey Hepburn


• Insightful quotes.


• Twitter.


• Having a clean room.


• Smelling good.


• Cooking... particularly baking.


• Big Band music.


• Riding with the windows down.. no matter what the weather.


• Loving people.


• Nice people.. the kind of people that turn your whole day around just by being who they are.


• Musical Theatre.. and acting in general.


• CSI, Law & Order, Criminal Minds, etc.


• Being around kids.


• Helping people.


• Smiling and being smiled at in return.


• Generous people.


• Buying a bunch of stuff on sale and reveling in the glory of how much money you just saved.


• catching lightening bugs.. and letting them go of course.


• Golden Retrievers.


• Thinking about my future.


• Sweet Tea. Preferably my mom's.


• Hydrangeas.


• Decorating.


• Weddings.. everything about them.


• Dresses.


• Bracelets.. lots of them.


• Having lots and lots of candles allll over the place.


• Being tan.


• Handsome boys. Nice ones though.


• Traveling.


• Being with the people that I love.


• People that can make me laugh.


• Corny jokes.


• Being spontaneous.. doing something just because it feels right.


• Watching the sun come up and go down.


• Knowing that everything happens for a reason.. and that it'll all be just fine in the end.


• Learning from my mistakes.


• Knowing that God has always got my back.


• Black, shiny, too big for me, SUVs.


• Being short. Yep.


• Laughing genuinely and heartily.


• My friends. :)


• My life.


• That this list is so long.. and that I could keep it going forever.

My Big Fat New Obsession

When I say gypsy, what comes to your mind? I think of that fortune teller from Scooby Doo. I think of an old woman in a slinky clothes and clanky bangles with a crystal ball surrounded by smoke. I didn't think that "gypsies" were real. But I have learned that they are. TLC has come out with a new show called My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. These people are very very different. So different, in fact, that I have been sitting on my couch watching the same episode repeat for a little over an hour. These people are called Irish Travelers. I'm assuming that they are Irish, but the episode that I have been watching is taking place in Northern Wales. They move around so much that it is impossible for any of them to stay in school. Most of them cannot read or write. The boys stay in school a little longer than the girls do because the girls are taken out of school around age 13 to focus on being housewives. They usually live in "trailers"or what I was taught to call a camper. They spend their young lives on the prowl for a spouse.. and the girls dress like fairy hookers. All the time. Everything is so extravagent. Even their infants have bejeweled pacifiers. The boys often take part in a custom called "grabbing" where you literally chase a girl, catch her, and force her to kiss you. It can get very physical from what I have noticed. The boys are allowed to start drinking when they are around 11.. and girls are not allowed to. Equality is not in their vocabulary whatsoever. I'm not even getting to the good part. When they get married (around 16... no big deal) they dress so outlandishly. Their dresses are so huge that they have their own gravitational pull. Seriously, these girls have a really hard time getting in and out of their stretch Bentley limos. Think of the biggest wedding dress you've ever seen.. and the gypsy girl's is 2 times bigger. They stack their hair up higher than the nasdaq building and they wear huge crowns to top it off. Their wedding cakes look like castles.. complete with Barbies. And Barbie horses. Do I approve of this way of life? Nope. Am I extremely intrigued? Absolutely. I love watching these people participate in the ridiculous and outlandish rituals that are their way of life.. because it adds one more bullet to the list of reasons that I am proud to be an American. And not a gypsy.

ramblerambleramble

Well, it sure has been a while hasn't it? I feel like my blog posts are becoming more of an extremely rare update on my life... they can't be any fun. I think that I'm going to make a game out of this and see how much I can blog. So, I promise (and I use that term loosely) that this will be the last extremely drawn out and boring post about the recent happenings in my life. Let's begin.

Summer is here! It's been here for a while actually, and as soon as the summer began, I started to work. Although my job is extremely easy, I wish I didn't have to. Maybe it's just me not wanting to grow up and have my own money and worry about how much of it I have left.. I don't know. I basically sit behind a desk, type names into a compter, clean up people's sweaty tanning beds, and empty out trash. For 6 hours. Sometimes I sit in one place for so long my butt starts to hurt a little bit. Woe is me, right? Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful to have a job in an economy that has very little to spare... but I kind of wish I was chasing kids around or something. Oh, that reminds me! I'm about to start doing just that. Because... I'M PREGNANT! No. Just kidding. I'm not pregnant. I'm about to start a job watching two little boys in the mornings. I met one of them a couple of months ago.. and he cried. So that should be good. But, hey, I bet I can make him warm up to me. I'm kind of ready to have two jobs. I think i'll feel pretty accomplished.. with my fat wallet and all. Anyways, other than working.. i've been doing alot of laying by the pool and sleeping and adding to my massive nail polish collection and eating cheerios at ungodly hours of the night.. the normal summer stuff. I have something so exciting to tell you guys!!! Every little girl wants a pony, right? I mean.. i'm sure you can ask a number of three year olds what they want the most and they will say something along the lines of "a pwetty pony wif pink hair!"Some little girls get their ponies, and some little girls get a crap load of beanie babies. I was the latter. I was okay with that, though. Beanie Babies would suffice. A couple of days ago I was driving around with my mom and she got a phone call from my dad.. what I heard went something like this. "Hey. You did what? Uh huh.. uh huh.. GASP. NO! Oh my gosh. Well I'll just have to let you tell her that." Turns out, my dad got me A MINIATURE PONY!!! I was incredibly excited about this because as you all know, I adore anything miniature. It just makes me giddy inside. He is a year and a half old, 27 inches tall, black and white paint, and is trained to walk on a leash. I'm going to name him Monty and I am SO EXCITED!! We pick him up tomorrow! :) So be expecting a post about that very soon. That's all for now. My fingers hurt.. ouch.

Bandwagon

Hey y'all. Got a twitter! Follow me @stephlauren94 :)

Stumblin'.

11:17

I don't want your apology. I don't want anything from you anymore. You are too late.

Things Mrs. Mann Should Have Told Me

My kindergarten teacher really did teach me alot. Now that I think about it, alot of the things that I needed to know.. I learned when I was six in Mrs. Mann's class. But there are some things I wish she would have told me..

1) Stop flicking buttons at Ryan and take a nap. When you're sleeping in Chemistry, you'll regret these shenanagins.

2) Enjoy "centers". You won't always get to play house in school.

3) People don't always share their snacks with you.

4) Grandparent's day is special. There will be times in high school when you want nothing more than for Paw Paw to come eat grapes with you.

5) Its okay to talk across the table.

6) Stop crying because Chelsea won't share the glittery crayons with you. There will be bigger disappointments than that in life.

7) Picking your nose really isn't all that bad.

8) Some people will act like they are this old all of their lives.

9) Go ahead and eat the play dough. It probably has less calories than the other things you'll eat later. And those things will go straight to your hips.

10) Make that raindeer Christmas ornament very carefully.. that'll be on your Christmas tree for many years to come.

11) Get used to being this big. You aren't gonna grow much more.

12) It's cool to do forward rolls in P.E. Some day you'll wish your class consisted of forward rolls.

13) Your handwriting actually isn't all that bad. It'll get better as you get older, but it will soon regress right back to kindergarten level.

14) Your eye patch is pretty.

15) I know you hate being the Christmas Tree in the play when you really wanted to be Mrs. Claus.. but one day you'll be glad you were the Christmas Tree.

16) When you get older, you'll be leaving your hand prints on much more than a big piece of paper.. you'll leave them on people's lives.

A Few of My Philosophies.

I believe...

that two people can look at one thing and see them in two completely different ways.

that just because someone doesn't love you the way that you would like to be loved doesn't mean that they aren't loving you with all that they have.

that letting go is so much harder than holding on.

that everything that happens all fits into some big, perfect plan that is too complex to figure out.

that there is some good in everybody.

that we all laugh, cry, smile, frown, and kiss in the same language.

that people aren't mean just to be mean. Someone has made them that way.

that you cannot control where you came from, but you can control where you go.

that those who do not give themselves respect are asking others to do the same.

that the decision of life should be in no human's hands.

that you cannot love someone without first loving yourself.

that if you are debating between two high calorie things, you should pick the one with the most calories.

that everyone should sit in front of a fire every now and then.

that even the happiest looking people are facing their own personal battles.

that you always have the strength to help a friend in need.

that sometimes I have the right to be angry, but never the right to be cruel.

that sometimes the forgiveness of others isn't enough. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself.

that people really mean their promises in the moment that they are said... sometimes things just don't go as planned.

that the world does not stop turning no matter how hurt you may be.

that no one has the right to wish unhappiness on someone else.

that ignorance is bliss.

that there is always someone who has it worse than you. There is also always someone who has it better.

that no one is above anything.

that even the heroes need a hero.

Keep Breathing

Over the past few months, I have learned so much. I couldn't possibly list all of these life lessons if I tried.. But one thing that has come to my attention is this: Things happen that you cannot control, and trying to take charge of every situation and "fix it" all only drives you crazier. Sometimes all you can do is keep breathing.

Keep Breathing-Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but i don't mind.

People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.

I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.

All i can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that i know is i'm breathing.

All i can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing now.

To The Select Few..

This blog post was inspired by someone else's bright idea. These are the words that I am too afraid to say.

Dear _____,

You have impacted my life SO MUCH. I never knew that I had any talent at all until you pulled it out of me. You believe in me when I don't believe in myself. Sometimes you are so stressed out and I wish that I could stop time for you and let you take a nap. There is absolutely no way that I could ever repay you for all that you have given me. You showed me what I loved to do, and I wouldn't be able to do any of it without you. I will never be able to understand how you do what you do and remain sane. You are amazing and I am so grateful that I get to be a little part of your life. You are my hero.

Dear _____,

I hate that it has to be like this. I hate that all of that had to end this way. I know that we are only human, and I know that you think I'm a hypocrite for not letting you back into my life, but I'm not angry at you. I'm hurting. So much. My heart aches for the friendship that we used to have. I wish that I could trust you. I wish that we could talk.. but I have nothing to say. I'm sorry.

Dear _____,

From the moment I heard your gorgeous voice, I have been hooked on you. You are so charming, handsome, and different. I wish that you could see what I see. I wish that I could help you with your problems as much as you help me with mine. You are such a wonderful person and such a great friend. You mean more to me than I could ever explain to you, and you deserve all the happiness in the world.

Dear _____,

I wish that I had never met you. I wish that I wouldn't have fought so hard for something that you were just going to throw away. I wish I would have run when I had the chance. I wish that I didn't have to completely cut you out of my life, but I know that this is for my own good. I know that I am so much better off without you, but I feel like I've lost a friend. I wish that I could take it all back.. But more than anything, I wish that I could trust you. I wish that I knew you. I wish that I understood you. I hope that you don't forget me.. and I wish that I meant something to you.. anything at all.

Dear _____,

Although your mentality is still stuck back in the 8th grade, you're still one of the most good looking people I've ever seen in my life. I wish that you would make use of the talent that I know you have. I wish you'd stop following the crowd and do what I know you really want to. I wish you'd stop being a weiner and TALK to me. I loved you very much, and I always will.

Dear _____,

You are so precious! I used to think you were kind of a butt hole... but now I just think the world of you. I never thought we'd actually be friends, but you are so sweet and I really appreciate how you let me vent to you. I love how you act like a kid sometimes, and you always make my day a little bit better. I'm really going to miss you next year.

Dear _____,

Sometimes you make me so mad.. and sometimes you make me feel like I am the best thing that has ever happened to the world. I want to tell you that you're wasting your time and energy on me.. that there are lots of others that are better. Actually, I already have. Your relentlessness baffles me and inspires me at the same time. I wish I could make it a little easier on you.

Dear _____.

You were always so angry, and I was always so afraid of you. But as I grew older, I learned not to be afraid.. because actually, you're alot like me. I know you try to be so strong, but I can see through it. You aren't here and things are hard for us right now, but I know it wasn't your choice to leave. I love you very much, and I hope you're doing okay.

Dear _____,

I used to feel like we were strangers. Definitely not family. But I have watched you come so far, and I am immensely proud of you. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. I see so much love and faith and fight in you, and it inspires me. I love you so much more than I could ever tell you.

When It Rains

Hey again. It's been a while, hasn't it? I don't even remember my last blog post. So much has been going on lately, and that's weird because you'd think that it would be the time that I'd want to blog the most. I guess I just haven't had time... or made it. I'm not really even sure where to begin. I guess I'll start with the things that are going on as of now. OHTS (my school's theatre society of which I am a proud member) is in the middle of performing our Spring Musical. Last year we put on "Oliver!" and this year, we are showing "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street". School edition of course. I could ramble on forever about this musical, but that deserves a post of its own. It's pretty much my single focus right about now.. or I'm trying to make it that way. This weekend will be our closing weekend. I always feel a pang of sadness every closing night. Anyways, there's that.. and so much more going on that I don't even think I could organize them all and type them into this blog post. Lately it's like the world is spinning so fast. It's like I'm standing still and everything else is whirring past me at the speed of light.. before I can hold onto it for long enough. I feel like I am learning so much. I feel like these things that are happening are the things that are making me into who I am supposed to be. There are so many doubts and questions and things whirling about in my mind that I don't even know how to organize them.


And now that you are updated.. let me get to my point. Last night, the weather was bad. And I mean really bad. I usually hate the rain. I hate when I'm having a perfectly good day and then the rain comes and there's no more sun, the birds are quiet, and everything is wet and gray. I was laying in bed last night tossing and turning and asking my brain to please shut up when the power went off. My fan turned off and my iHome went black. This didn't really bother me because I didn't really need the power anyways if I was trying to sleep. I kept turning over and repositioning myself until I finally accepted the fact that I wouldn't be sleeping for a few more hours. I stared at the ceiling and watched as it lit up from the lightning outside. It was followed by a huge boom of thunder (that I could hear very clearly because of my still fan) and the constant pounding of rain. I've always heard thunderstorms, but never really listened to them. I laid there and counted the seconds between the lightning and the thunder. I did that for a while. I thought of nothing but the rain, the thunder, and the lightning. My mind was not swamped with questions or insecurities or the other things that it is usually swamped with. I was still. I was calm. I've always heard people say that there is something so compelling about the rain... and I always disagreed, saying that rain just sucked. But after last night, I feel completely different. I wished that I could just lay there in my warm jersey sheets forever. I wanted to stop time right then and I wanted it to be just me, my bed, and that storm until I was ready to face the daylight again. It made me realize that time stands still for no one. It's going to rain sometimes, even when all you want is the sunshine. And you can either be upset about it or you can lay there and embrace it.. listen to it. It also made me realize that we're all the same in that way.. we all need shelter from the rain. Literally and metaphorically. When our lives are speeding past us, all we want is comfort. When the rain is pouring, all we want is a roof. Life is a wild ride. You can't control what it throws at you, but you can control how you take it.

I Am Not Skilled to Understand..

Lately, my life has been one big blur. I am constantly going, and it seems like unfortunate events keep flinging themselves at me.. one right after the other. Whether it's a bad grade on a Chemistry test that I thought I aced, my car breaking down in the Wendy's parking lot, getting about 5 hours of sleep (on a good night) for weeks straight, being disappointed by people that I once had so much hope in, being completely lost in my math class, squeaking like a little mouse when I try to belt out a C note, or something as simple as not knowing which shirt on my floor is the one I wore two days ago.. they just keep coming. They are consistent. I wish I could understand why GOOD things weren't consistent. Don't get me wrong, I know that life isn't always a gorgeous sunny day, but must it always be a storm? I am not skilled to understand why God does the things that He does. I will never know why things happen the way that they do, no matter how much I try to analyze them. Maybe good days aren't consistent. Sunny days aren't consistent. But you know what is? The Word of God. Just like Him, it is always the same. It is always good and true and pure... yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I will never be able to find true comfort in worldly things.. but I will always find comfort here.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you what the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid. -John 14:27

Consider the ravens. They do not reap or sow, they have no store room or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! -Luke 12:24

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone O Lord, make me dwell in safety. -Psalms 4:8

I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place. -Psalm 31:7-8

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Really..?

Okay.. first off, I know I have been completely M.I.A. lately. I apologize. My laptop got a ton of viruses (my fault for ignoring the Norton pop-up for so long), and Dad had to take it to the Geek Squad to get it fixed. It was gone for a couple weeks. Needless to say, I felt really strange without it. Let me update you on my life. I have been a pretty busy bee lately. For the past couple of months, I have been completely wrapped up in the upcoming Spring Musical, Sweeney Todd.. memorizing lines, memorizing songs, trying to diffrentiate between my head voice, my chest voice, and my throat voice... ahhh. It's also showchoir season. We've been going from competition to competition via charter bus. We get on stage, and sing and dance until all we want to do is shower and nap... and maybe get some taco bell. Lately it just seems as if I'm never NOT doing something. I always have a test to study for, I always have a song to listen to, I always have something to clean, and always something to try to remember. Have you ever just wished that life would slow down? Or just pause for a little while? That's all me right now. I mean, don't get me wrong.. these are the things that I love and am passionate about.. and I do know that not everything can just be handed to me without hard work, I have just been so exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally.. the works. Woe is me, right? haha. My attitude towards everything lately has been, "....really..?" When I tried to squeak some of my Sweeney notes and all that came out was raspy air I thought, "really?" When I almost got in a car accident on the way to school on Wednesday, When my car broke down on me and I sat on the Wendy's curb and pouted, when I thought I knew what I was doing on a test and it came back with a big fat D on it, when I wake up in the mornings still exhausted because I only got about 4 hours of sleep, When my stress brings along about 9 zits that makeup just will NOT cover, when I finally decided to be brave and try sushi and it gave me hives... really? At this point, I'm pretty sure the roof could fall in on me and all I would be able to say is, "...really?" Things just keep coming left and right. I'm juggling maybe just a little more than my hands can hold. I bit off just a little more than I could chew. But that's life, right? I'm determined to juggle all of this and I'm determined to do it well. Instead of throwing up my white flag, I'm going to push even harder. I'm going to study my chemistry at 1 a.m., listen to my Sinatra, and drink my Starbucks, and know that even through all of this hustle and bustle.. I am blessed.

Prince Charming...

When I was little, I loved Cinderella. Til this day, my mother swears up and down that I watched it so much that she knew every word. I loved how Cinderella swirled in circles in her pretty dress with her handsome dark haired prince. And at 5 years old, I knew that I wanted a Prince Charming just like her. I was determined to find him. Well, I am 16 years old.. and that has yet to happen. Dating just does not work out for me. Yes, I am fully aware that I am young. But hey, it never hurts to get an early start does it? I've tried dating. I've been out to dinner, I've been to a movie or seven, blah blah blah. I've been someone's girlfriend.. but it just never works. We always either fall out of touch or get tired of each other. Most of the time it's me with the losing hand. And to be quite frank, it sucks. It is absolutely no fun to break up with someone. Especially when you have to see them around exchange awkward smiles and nods and such. Yuck. Maybe it's me. Maybe I am just truly undateable. Or am I just looking in all the wrong places? I have come to a conclusion after all of this. I'm done looking. I'm done trying. Why? Because I don't have to look. I don't have to try. God will do all of that for me. When God made me, he knew whether or not I would get married or be an old single ferret woman with only her knitting to keep her company. But I do trust that if there is a man in my future, he is absolutely perfect. Maybe he isn't perfect, but he'll be perfect for me. Maybe the guys that I've been dating are examples of who this man is not. God made a man for me that will court me from the day he meets me until the day that he dies. He will always pay for my food, open my doors, and tell me I look pretty.. even if he has to lie. He will be a man who never gets tired of me. A man who doesn't see me as undateable. A man who doesn't leave when he knows it all... when the chase is over. He will always put the toilet seat down. He will know to get me 6 packs of honey mustard at ChickFilA. He will know learn to ignore the fact that I'm a cover stealer. He'll wear the shirts I get him. He won't argue with me at Ulta about how I already have that color nail polish (and yes, he will be willing to go into Ulta with me). He will agree to take me to the gas station before we go to the movies and let me fill my purse with candy. He will not let his mother pick out my Christmas presents. And he will be everything that I am not. So, saying this.. I have decided to stop looking for him. He's out there somewhere. Maybe we'll meet when I go off to college. Maybe we'll meet when I'm 82. Maybe we'll meet tomorrow. Maybe he lives a block away.. or maybe he lives in Bora Bora or something. But just like Cinderella, my Prince will come along somehow.... and I, along with my inner 5 year old, will rejoice.


"Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right." -Song of Solomon 8:4

Make it One For My Baby...

So, today has been a typical lazy sunday for me. I did my usual routine.. church, grocery store with dad, lunch with the family, nap, painted my nails.. but I felt like something was missing. I was restless. I've had so much on my mind for the past month or so, and I've barely been able to just clear my mind and chill out. I had my iPod on the dock on shuffle. And it came to some Sinatra. I had forgotten how much I loved his classic crooner voice. So I stopped what I was doing and just listened. Sometimes I forget that I just need to take a few minutes to breathe. Ah, ol' blue eyes... how you make everything so much better.

Past My Bedtime.

Once again, I cannot sleep. I have so much on my mind. These are the times that I'm grateful for this little thing called blogging. I consider myself to be an acceptionally smart person. I make good grades, have a decent GPA, a little bit of common sense... all that. If you think about how much a brain can hold, I sure do know alot of stuff. I understand alot of stuff. But you know what I have never understood? Why people leave. It is just the saddest thing to me when people that you know become people that you knew. When people that you love become people that no longer love you. When somebody that you used to spend so much time with won't even look you in the eyes. When somebody that you trusted became someone that broke every promise that they ever made to you.. and when somebody that you thought was rock solid walked right out of your life without a second thought. I hate seeing a single mother with her baby. I hate hearing my friends cry over someone that they thought would never let them down. I try relentlessly to understand why people do that. Why they leave the people that love them the most. Maybe it's because they're scared. Maybe it's because they just don't want to deal with it. And maybe they don't even have a reason. I have come to realize that people don't know what they want. And for those of us that do, once we get it, we don't want it anymore. It hurts so much to be left... but you can't always blame one person. Sometimes it's a joint thing... a team effort. You can't point fingers. I will never be able to explain to my friends why the people that they loved left them and I will never be able to fully understand why we do the things that we do. Why we want what we do. Somtimes people leave... (and i know i'm going to sound so cliche here, but hear me out..) but maybe they're just making room for something better. Maybe those things will leave, too... but life is messy. I think thats how we're made. We love each other, leave each other, and learn from each other. All you can do is live, try to keep your faith, love regardless of your pain, and trust that it will all be just fine in time.

My Heart in A Blog Post

I'm supposed to be studying for chemistry right now. I have a test tomorrow.. and there is so much that I need to know by 4th block. Formulas to memorize, symbols to know, questions to answer, and conversions to master. But I just can't do it. I cannot sit down and try to figure out how to convert degrees celcius into degrees kelvin when I have so much on my mind. So many words that need to be heard. So I stopped studying chemistry. I'm going to regret this tomorrow when I fail my first chemistry test. But right now, this is what I need. I'm going to get straight to the point. Strength. Webster's definition for strength is this: the quality or state of being strong: power to resist force: power of resisting attack. Synonyms include solidity, toughness, and impregnability. Some of you think strength and you think about the weight room. You think about how much weight you can lift. How much you can bench. How much you can squat. Some of you think strength is refusing to cry in front of anyone.. and some of you think that strength is simply not crying at all. Am I strong? Absolultely not. Yeah, I'm 5'2 and I can sqaut 225. Yeah, I dont like to cry in front of others. But do those things make me a strong person? Not in any way, shape, or form. Strength is all I can think about lately. It is such a small word, yet it has such big meaning. I used to think that i was so strong. I used to think that I could handle all of my hurt on my own, that if i ignored it long enough, refused to cry long enough, did things to make me forget long enough, that my pain would all go away. I was wrong. I'd have fun with my friends and forget my regret and mistakes and pain for a little while.. and then I'd wake up in the morning, and there they were. Staring at me as I ate my toaster strudel. Nagging at me. Still there. I tried so much to forget. Did things that weren't myself. Got so far and then grew weary. I was so close to complete healing.. so close to feeling better and moving forward and then I grew tired of waiting for happiness. I made mistakes and fell right back to square one. At this point, I am so angry with myself. So mad for not practicing what I preach, for not being who I wanted to be, for doing what I knew was so wrong. My "strength" left me. Well, I had an epiphany the next day when I was dealing with the consequences. Staying busy to forget your pain is not strength. Refusing to cry because of your pride is not strength. Pretending to be okay when you are so far from fine is not strength. Compromising who you are and what you stand for in order to let go of something is NOT strength. You know what strength is? Strength is screaming in the car and beating the steering wheel so hard that your hands throb afterwards. Strength is asking for forgiveness. Strength is sticking to who you are even though the people around you want you to be someone else... when YOU want to be someone else. Strength is perseverance, not growing weary, and having faith in God, yourself, and humanity even when all you want to do is say "Screw this. I give up." Strength is not being a hypocrite. Strength is sticking to your guns. Strength is being able to take the truth from someone even when you think they have no right to say what they are saying. It's being able to take it with a grain of salt and accept that even though that person has hurt your feelings, they're right. Strength is fessing up to your mistakes, accepting them, and loving yourself anyways. Strength is knowing that life is a journey. Trial and error is strength. Crying to your best friend is strength. Strength is wanting happiness for other people, even when they could care less if you ever smile again. Strength is letting go of someone that you care about. It's forgetting and forgiving. Strength is knowing that sometimes people change. Sometimes people choose to walk away. Letting them go is being strong. Strength is being in the world but not conforming to it. It's smiling at someone that has hurt you more than they will ever understand. But it's also accepting that some of that hurt is your own fault. It's putting some of the blame on yourself and learning from your mistakes. Strength is so much. It isn't just how many tears you hold back, how much weight you can bench press, or how fast you can throw a baseball. It's so much more than that. I lost my strength, and right now before God, the world wide web, and myself, I'm saying that I will get my strength back. I will be who I want to be. I will practice what I preach. I will accept that some of my hurt is my own fault. Because now I know that life is too short to be anything but strong.

Food for Thought

I feel like one of the best ways to get to know a person is by their favorite quotes. For some reason, I feel like it tells me so much about someone. What they believe in, what they stand for, what they think about... etc. So, here are some of mine.

"Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her. She still sings away all the same, knowing she has wings."-Victor Hugo

"In his heart a man plans his course, but The Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

"Funny the way it is, not right or wrong. Somebody's heart gets broken and it becomes your favorite song." -Dave Matthews

"Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on it's knees." -Victor Hugo

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"People moving all the time inside such a perfect striaght line, don't you wanna curve away? It's such.. such a perfect day." -Coldplay

"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way that she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. Its the caring that she lovingly gives, and the passion that she shows."-Audrey Hepburn

"Others matter more than you do, dear. So stop fussing. Get on with it."-Audrey Hepburn

"Courage is the power to let go of the fimiliar."

"Somebody's gonna find a precious blessing from Jesus out of this garbage dump of a situation."-Juno

"You call yourself a free spirit, a 'wild thing', and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself... Its where ever you go. Because no matter where you run, you always end up running into yourself." -Breakfast at Tiffany's

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. Thats how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines... or you can live your life crossing them." -Grey's Anatomy

"Now is blessed. The rest.. remembered."

"Life's tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid."- John Wayne

"Whenever they say it can't be done, remind them that there is a jelly bean that tastes exactly like popcorn." -John Mayer

'"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting. But a woman who fears The Lord is to be prasied." -Proverbs 31:30

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." -Mahatma Ghandi

"A heart can be broken, but it still keeps'a beatin just the same."- Fried Green Tomatoes

"Young people, it’s wonderful to be young! Enjoy every minute of it. Do everything you want to do; take it all in. But remember that you must give an account to God for everything you do." Ecclesiastes 11:9

"He shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he is handsome, but because he is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."-Wuthering Heights

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come!" -2 Corinthians 5:17

"Your heart just breaks, thats all. You can't point fingers or judge. You just have to be lucky enough to be with someone who appreciates you."-Audrey Hepburn

"You can always tell what kind of woman a man thinks you are by the earrings he gives you."-Audrey Hepburn

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you may have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."-John 16:33

Break the Cycle with Me

Before I begin, I would like to apologize for the quality of this blog post. I can assure you that it will be kind of crappy for many reasons. I REALLY need sleep.. and.. yeah thats it actually. I am so exhausted that my eyes are crossing. But I had to share this before I went to sleep. Once a week, i take part in "d-group". It's basically a bible study... a group of wonderful, sweet, and Godly girls that are so inspiring, lead by some amazing women who are excellent examples of what kind of women God wants us to be. I feel extremely lucky to be a part of this, and I want to share something with you all. We are reading a book called "So Long Insecurity", written by Beth Moore. Tonight, we had "quiet time"... about 30 minutes off by ourselves. Just us and God. We were given about a 3 page packet to take with us. It was a prayer out of the book... written by Beth Moore. I went to sit down in my own little corner of the house; blanket, bible, packet, and pencil in tow. As soon as I read it, I knew it was God speaking to me. Some of these things were so relevant to my situation that I felt like I was reading my own words. It was like His little way of saying that it was all going to be okay. That I was forgiven. That He loved me still. It was exactly what I needed to hear. So reassuring. It evoked so many emotions, and basically just gave me so much hope in my situation. I'm going to stop blabbing now and share this with you. These are the parts that really spoke to me (the parts that I underlined). The colored, bold, and italicized parts are just some favorites of the favorites.. So, here you go. I hope this helps someone like it helped me.



"Dear God, I am willing to do whatever it takes to be free and allow You to do through me what I cannot do for myself. You know what shuts me down. You know how driven I am by fear and how exhausted I am from surrendering to it. Your desire is for me to be free of every unhealthy motivation. Reveal any place they reside uncontested in me and supply the courage that I need to refuse to do their bidding. I am safe with You and loved by You. Because of Your grace, I can come to You just as I am. As you reveal yourself to me, I ask that you also mercifully reveal myself to me. Grant me insight to patterns I've developed, and give me answers that bring healing. I ask You, Lord to help me take responsibility for the insecurity that is my own doing. My own fault. My own sin. Forgive me for being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts You've given me undeveloped and much less effective than You have intended them to be. Forgive me equally for every time I've sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all. You know what first frightened me into believing that no one and nothing could be trusted and that I'm on my own out here in a very unsafe world. You know where I developed a belief system based on the frailities of man instead of the bedrock of You. Touch every broken and wounded place with Your healing hand. Lord, empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me. Help me to see them as needy, broken people in their own right, and Lord, where there is still life and opportunity, bring redemption to those relationships. Help me to understand the gravity of this juncture: that if I do not seek healing and wholeness, I will instead end up perpetuating the cycle of injury. Break the cycle with me, O Lord. Break the cycle with me. Lord, come and treat my heart and soul where they have been shattered by loss. No one on earth can esteem the loss of something precious the way You can. You know the pain. You know my attempt to fill the void with things that never suffice. You know how my feelings frighten me and how the enemy of my soul would have me believe that I will never be okay. Make a liar of him, Lord. Do not let him win. Do not let loss win. Be my strength in weakness. Help me to see any place in my life where I'm hanging onto my grief or anger in an attempt to hang on to what I have lost. Where I've lost innocence, grant me integrity. Where I've held someone responsible for my loss, grant me the ability to forgive. Lord, help me to learn how to hang on tight to You when my life is rocked by dramatic change. Empower me to trust You and not to panic or fight for control. Help me to stop confusing a change in my circumstances to a change in my security status. You are my security, O God. You are the one sure thing. When everything around me shakes, You are unshakable. Increase my appreciation of the ONLY ONE who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Nothing is without purpose. Every gift, challenge, and obstacle is meant to shape the destiny you ordained for me before time began. Please deliver me from self pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations. Of all things, please don't let it be said that I loved myself too much to fully love anybody else. Please don't let me gain the whole world and lose my soul. Father, help me to see where I am overly sensitive and where i put too much pressure on relationships. Help me to see where I insist on making a situation all about me. Help me to cease being so easily wounded, but at the same time, keep me from being hardened. Help me to realize that it's pointless to demand that others love me more or love me better. I cannot put a human incharge of my security without setting him or her up for certain failure. Help me to stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me. No one and nothing can take my dignity away from me now because You are the One who gave it. Help me to realize that I've only lost my dignity because I have surrendered it. Because of YOUR MERCY, Lord, I am no fool. Only a wise woman shifts her trust to you. In Jesus's saving and delivering name, Amen."

My Ever Present Spotter

When I used to cheerlead, I took tumbling classes. For those of you that don't know what tumbling is, it's much like gymnastics. Actually, it's gymnastics.. minus the vault and the balance beam. We did things at tumbling like you'd see cheerleaders do at pep rallies: Back handsprings, back tucks, whips, etc. I loved to tumble. When I was frustrated, I tumbled it out. When I had a bunch of nervous energy, I tumbled it out. There were things about tumbling that scared me, though. I hated standing back handsprings. More than anything. A standing back handspring is when you stand up straight, and just go into a handspring. Backwards. No round-off first. No running first. The first time I ever tried it, I fell. Flat on my back. I couldn't breathe and I was terrified. I hurt for days. After that, I usually had a spotter when I did it. (A spotter is the person who stands beside/behind you while you flip. They're basically there to make sure that you don't die.) Not that I needed one. I was just so terrified that I would land on my head, crack my neck, and die. Right there on the blue tumble floor. Or that I'd hurt myself again, just like the last time. I could do it. I knew I could. I could do everything else in the book, just not this. I just didn't trust myself. I didn't trust my spotter with my safety. I would say, "Ben, are you there?" He always was, but I was so uncertain. I would start to jump backwards, and then stand up and say, "I'm scared. I can't do it." There was something about just jumping. Just going for it. Not being able to see behind you... not being able to see the person who was helping you. I'd just stand there. And my instructor would say, "I'm here, Steph. Trust me. Jump." And I would, and when I did, I always ended up fine. No broken bones, no concussion, nothing.

I quit tumbling when I quit cheerleading. Almost 2 years ago. But even now, I find myself in this situation. Not the exact one, of course... but it applies. I've been dealing with alot for the past couple of weeks. I've been so unsure about where I am, where to go from here, and If I should jump or not. I've been standing here afraid of what might happen to me if I jump. Will I just get hurt again? Am I alone in this? What if I fall? Should I just give up? My dilemma is this: How do I let go of how I was hurt and try to move forward? How do I trust my spotter when I'm hurting like this? I'm so weary. So tired. But I can't give up on myself. I cannot give up on what God has in store for me. He is the ever present spotter. I hear him saying, "I'm here, Steph, Trust me. Jump." I may fall sometimes, but He will always pick me back up. He will always help me move forward from even the most heart breaking past. It hurts to look back. There is so much that I wish I could change. But my future is so promising. So I choose to jump. I choose to trust Him, and I choose to move forward so that I can feel the glory that is promised to me. And my spotter.. He keeps all His promises.


“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30