My Heart in A Blog Post

I'm supposed to be studying for chemistry right now. I have a test tomorrow.. and there is so much that I need to know by 4th block. Formulas to memorize, symbols to know, questions to answer, and conversions to master. But I just can't do it. I cannot sit down and try to figure out how to convert degrees celcius into degrees kelvin when I have so much on my mind. So many words that need to be heard. So I stopped studying chemistry. I'm going to regret this tomorrow when I fail my first chemistry test. But right now, this is what I need. I'm going to get straight to the point. Strength. Webster's definition for strength is this: the quality or state of being strong: power to resist force: power of resisting attack. Synonyms include solidity, toughness, and impregnability. Some of you think strength and you think about the weight room. You think about how much weight you can lift. How much you can bench. How much you can squat. Some of you think strength is refusing to cry in front of anyone.. and some of you think that strength is simply not crying at all. Am I strong? Absolultely not. Yeah, I'm 5'2 and I can sqaut 225. Yeah, I dont like to cry in front of others. But do those things make me a strong person? Not in any way, shape, or form. Strength is all I can think about lately. It is such a small word, yet it has such big meaning. I used to think that i was so strong. I used to think that I could handle all of my hurt on my own, that if i ignored it long enough, refused to cry long enough, did things to make me forget long enough, that my pain would all go away. I was wrong. I'd have fun with my friends and forget my regret and mistakes and pain for a little while.. and then I'd wake up in the morning, and there they were. Staring at me as I ate my toaster strudel. Nagging at me. Still there. I tried so much to forget. Did things that weren't myself. Got so far and then grew weary. I was so close to complete healing.. so close to feeling better and moving forward and then I grew tired of waiting for happiness. I made mistakes and fell right back to square one. At this point, I am so angry with myself. So mad for not practicing what I preach, for not being who I wanted to be, for doing what I knew was so wrong. My "strength" left me. Well, I had an epiphany the next day when I was dealing with the consequences. Staying busy to forget your pain is not strength. Refusing to cry because of your pride is not strength. Pretending to be okay when you are so far from fine is not strength. Compromising who you are and what you stand for in order to let go of something is NOT strength. You know what strength is? Strength is screaming in the car and beating the steering wheel so hard that your hands throb afterwards. Strength is asking for forgiveness. Strength is sticking to who you are even though the people around you want you to be someone else... when YOU want to be someone else. Strength is perseverance, not growing weary, and having faith in God, yourself, and humanity even when all you want to do is say "Screw this. I give up." Strength is not being a hypocrite. Strength is sticking to your guns. Strength is being able to take the truth from someone even when you think they have no right to say what they are saying. It's being able to take it with a grain of salt and accept that even though that person has hurt your feelings, they're right. Strength is fessing up to your mistakes, accepting them, and loving yourself anyways. Strength is knowing that life is a journey. Trial and error is strength. Crying to your best friend is strength. Strength is wanting happiness for other people, even when they could care less if you ever smile again. Strength is letting go of someone that you care about. It's forgetting and forgiving. Strength is knowing that sometimes people change. Sometimes people choose to walk away. Letting them go is being strong. Strength is being in the world but not conforming to it. It's smiling at someone that has hurt you more than they will ever understand. But it's also accepting that some of that hurt is your own fault. It's putting some of the blame on yourself and learning from your mistakes. Strength is so much. It isn't just how many tears you hold back, how much weight you can bench press, or how fast you can throw a baseball. It's so much more than that. I lost my strength, and right now before God, the world wide web, and myself, I'm saying that I will get my strength back. I will be who I want to be. I will practice what I preach. I will accept that some of my hurt is my own fault. Because now I know that life is too short to be anything but strong.