Prince Charming...

When I was little, I loved Cinderella. Til this day, my mother swears up and down that I watched it so much that she knew every word. I loved how Cinderella swirled in circles in her pretty dress with her handsome dark haired prince. And at 5 years old, I knew that I wanted a Prince Charming just like her. I was determined to find him. Well, I am 16 years old.. and that has yet to happen. Dating just does not work out for me. Yes, I am fully aware that I am young. But hey, it never hurts to get an early start does it? I've tried dating. I've been out to dinner, I've been to a movie or seven, blah blah blah. I've been someone's girlfriend.. but it just never works. We always either fall out of touch or get tired of each other. Most of the time it's me with the losing hand. And to be quite frank, it sucks. It is absolutely no fun to break up with someone. Especially when you have to see them around exchange awkward smiles and nods and such. Yuck. Maybe it's me. Maybe I am just truly undateable. Or am I just looking in all the wrong places? I have come to a conclusion after all of this. I'm done looking. I'm done trying. Why? Because I don't have to look. I don't have to try. God will do all of that for me. When God made me, he knew whether or not I would get married or be an old single ferret woman with only her knitting to keep her company. But I do trust that if there is a man in my future, he is absolutely perfect. Maybe he isn't perfect, but he'll be perfect for me. Maybe the guys that I've been dating are examples of who this man is not. God made a man for me that will court me from the day he meets me until the day that he dies. He will always pay for my food, open my doors, and tell me I look pretty.. even if he has to lie. He will be a man who never gets tired of me. A man who doesn't see me as undateable. A man who doesn't leave when he knows it all... when the chase is over. He will always put the toilet seat down. He will know to get me 6 packs of honey mustard at ChickFilA. He will know learn to ignore the fact that I'm a cover stealer. He'll wear the shirts I get him. He won't argue with me at Ulta about how I already have that color nail polish (and yes, he will be willing to go into Ulta with me). He will agree to take me to the gas station before we go to the movies and let me fill my purse with candy. He will not let his mother pick out my Christmas presents. And he will be everything that I am not. So, saying this.. I have decided to stop looking for him. He's out there somewhere. Maybe we'll meet when I go off to college. Maybe we'll meet when I'm 82. Maybe we'll meet tomorrow. Maybe he lives a block away.. or maybe he lives in Bora Bora or something. But just like Cinderella, my Prince will come along somehow.... and I, along with my inner 5 year old, will rejoice.


"Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right." -Song of Solomon 8:4

Make it One For My Baby...

So, today has been a typical lazy sunday for me. I did my usual routine.. church, grocery store with dad, lunch with the family, nap, painted my nails.. but I felt like something was missing. I was restless. I've had so much on my mind for the past month or so, and I've barely been able to just clear my mind and chill out. I had my iPod on the dock on shuffle. And it came to some Sinatra. I had forgotten how much I loved his classic crooner voice. So I stopped what I was doing and just listened. Sometimes I forget that I just need to take a few minutes to breathe. Ah, ol' blue eyes... how you make everything so much better.

Past My Bedtime.

Once again, I cannot sleep. I have so much on my mind. These are the times that I'm grateful for this little thing called blogging. I consider myself to be an acceptionally smart person. I make good grades, have a decent GPA, a little bit of common sense... all that. If you think about how much a brain can hold, I sure do know alot of stuff. I understand alot of stuff. But you know what I have never understood? Why people leave. It is just the saddest thing to me when people that you know become people that you knew. When people that you love become people that no longer love you. When somebody that you used to spend so much time with won't even look you in the eyes. When somebody that you trusted became someone that broke every promise that they ever made to you.. and when somebody that you thought was rock solid walked right out of your life without a second thought. I hate seeing a single mother with her baby. I hate hearing my friends cry over someone that they thought would never let them down. I try relentlessly to understand why people do that. Why they leave the people that love them the most. Maybe it's because they're scared. Maybe it's because they just don't want to deal with it. And maybe they don't even have a reason. I have come to realize that people don't know what they want. And for those of us that do, once we get it, we don't want it anymore. It hurts so much to be left... but you can't always blame one person. Sometimes it's a joint thing... a team effort. You can't point fingers. I will never be able to explain to my friends why the people that they loved left them and I will never be able to fully understand why we do the things that we do. Why we want what we do. Somtimes people leave... (and i know i'm going to sound so cliche here, but hear me out..) but maybe they're just making room for something better. Maybe those things will leave, too... but life is messy. I think thats how we're made. We love each other, leave each other, and learn from each other. All you can do is live, try to keep your faith, love regardless of your pain, and trust that it will all be just fine in time.

My Heart in A Blog Post

I'm supposed to be studying for chemistry right now. I have a test tomorrow.. and there is so much that I need to know by 4th block. Formulas to memorize, symbols to know, questions to answer, and conversions to master. But I just can't do it. I cannot sit down and try to figure out how to convert degrees celcius into degrees kelvin when I have so much on my mind. So many words that need to be heard. So I stopped studying chemistry. I'm going to regret this tomorrow when I fail my first chemistry test. But right now, this is what I need. I'm going to get straight to the point. Strength. Webster's definition for strength is this: the quality or state of being strong: power to resist force: power of resisting attack. Synonyms include solidity, toughness, and impregnability. Some of you think strength and you think about the weight room. You think about how much weight you can lift. How much you can bench. How much you can squat. Some of you think strength is refusing to cry in front of anyone.. and some of you think that strength is simply not crying at all. Am I strong? Absolultely not. Yeah, I'm 5'2 and I can sqaut 225. Yeah, I dont like to cry in front of others. But do those things make me a strong person? Not in any way, shape, or form. Strength is all I can think about lately. It is such a small word, yet it has such big meaning. I used to think that i was so strong. I used to think that I could handle all of my hurt on my own, that if i ignored it long enough, refused to cry long enough, did things to make me forget long enough, that my pain would all go away. I was wrong. I'd have fun with my friends and forget my regret and mistakes and pain for a little while.. and then I'd wake up in the morning, and there they were. Staring at me as I ate my toaster strudel. Nagging at me. Still there. I tried so much to forget. Did things that weren't myself. Got so far and then grew weary. I was so close to complete healing.. so close to feeling better and moving forward and then I grew tired of waiting for happiness. I made mistakes and fell right back to square one. At this point, I am so angry with myself. So mad for not practicing what I preach, for not being who I wanted to be, for doing what I knew was so wrong. My "strength" left me. Well, I had an epiphany the next day when I was dealing with the consequences. Staying busy to forget your pain is not strength. Refusing to cry because of your pride is not strength. Pretending to be okay when you are so far from fine is not strength. Compromising who you are and what you stand for in order to let go of something is NOT strength. You know what strength is? Strength is screaming in the car and beating the steering wheel so hard that your hands throb afterwards. Strength is asking for forgiveness. Strength is sticking to who you are even though the people around you want you to be someone else... when YOU want to be someone else. Strength is perseverance, not growing weary, and having faith in God, yourself, and humanity even when all you want to do is say "Screw this. I give up." Strength is not being a hypocrite. Strength is sticking to your guns. Strength is being able to take the truth from someone even when you think they have no right to say what they are saying. It's being able to take it with a grain of salt and accept that even though that person has hurt your feelings, they're right. Strength is fessing up to your mistakes, accepting them, and loving yourself anyways. Strength is knowing that life is a journey. Trial and error is strength. Crying to your best friend is strength. Strength is wanting happiness for other people, even when they could care less if you ever smile again. Strength is letting go of someone that you care about. It's forgetting and forgiving. Strength is knowing that sometimes people change. Sometimes people choose to walk away. Letting them go is being strong. Strength is being in the world but not conforming to it. It's smiling at someone that has hurt you more than they will ever understand. But it's also accepting that some of that hurt is your own fault. It's putting some of the blame on yourself and learning from your mistakes. Strength is so much. It isn't just how many tears you hold back, how much weight you can bench press, or how fast you can throw a baseball. It's so much more than that. I lost my strength, and right now before God, the world wide web, and myself, I'm saying that I will get my strength back. I will be who I want to be. I will practice what I preach. I will accept that some of my hurt is my own fault. Because now I know that life is too short to be anything but strong.

Food for Thought

I feel like one of the best ways to get to know a person is by their favorite quotes. For some reason, I feel like it tells me so much about someone. What they believe in, what they stand for, what they think about... etc. So, here are some of mine.

"Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her. She still sings away all the same, knowing she has wings."-Victor Hugo

"In his heart a man plans his course, but The Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

"Funny the way it is, not right or wrong. Somebody's heart gets broken and it becomes your favorite song." -Dave Matthews

"Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on it's knees." -Victor Hugo

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"People moving all the time inside such a perfect striaght line, don't you wanna curve away? It's such.. such a perfect day." -Coldplay

"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way that she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. Its the caring that she lovingly gives, and the passion that she shows."-Audrey Hepburn

"Others matter more than you do, dear. So stop fussing. Get on with it."-Audrey Hepburn

"Courage is the power to let go of the fimiliar."

"Somebody's gonna find a precious blessing from Jesus out of this garbage dump of a situation."-Juno

"You call yourself a free spirit, a 'wild thing', and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself... Its where ever you go. Because no matter where you run, you always end up running into yourself." -Breakfast at Tiffany's

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. Thats how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines... or you can live your life crossing them." -Grey's Anatomy

"Now is blessed. The rest.. remembered."

"Life's tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid."- John Wayne

"Whenever they say it can't be done, remind them that there is a jelly bean that tastes exactly like popcorn." -John Mayer

'"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting. But a woman who fears The Lord is to be prasied." -Proverbs 31:30

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." -Mahatma Ghandi

"A heart can be broken, but it still keeps'a beatin just the same."- Fried Green Tomatoes

"Young people, it’s wonderful to be young! Enjoy every minute of it. Do everything you want to do; take it all in. But remember that you must give an account to God for everything you do." Ecclesiastes 11:9

"He shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he is handsome, but because he is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."-Wuthering Heights

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come!" -2 Corinthians 5:17

"Your heart just breaks, thats all. You can't point fingers or judge. You just have to be lucky enough to be with someone who appreciates you."-Audrey Hepburn

"You can always tell what kind of woman a man thinks you are by the earrings he gives you."-Audrey Hepburn

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you may have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."-John 16:33

Break the Cycle with Me

Before I begin, I would like to apologize for the quality of this blog post. I can assure you that it will be kind of crappy for many reasons. I REALLY need sleep.. and.. yeah thats it actually. I am so exhausted that my eyes are crossing. But I had to share this before I went to sleep. Once a week, i take part in "d-group". It's basically a bible study... a group of wonderful, sweet, and Godly girls that are so inspiring, lead by some amazing women who are excellent examples of what kind of women God wants us to be. I feel extremely lucky to be a part of this, and I want to share something with you all. We are reading a book called "So Long Insecurity", written by Beth Moore. Tonight, we had "quiet time"... about 30 minutes off by ourselves. Just us and God. We were given about a 3 page packet to take with us. It was a prayer out of the book... written by Beth Moore. I went to sit down in my own little corner of the house; blanket, bible, packet, and pencil in tow. As soon as I read it, I knew it was God speaking to me. Some of these things were so relevant to my situation that I felt like I was reading my own words. It was like His little way of saying that it was all going to be okay. That I was forgiven. That He loved me still. It was exactly what I needed to hear. So reassuring. It evoked so many emotions, and basically just gave me so much hope in my situation. I'm going to stop blabbing now and share this with you. These are the parts that really spoke to me (the parts that I underlined). The colored, bold, and italicized parts are just some favorites of the favorites.. So, here you go. I hope this helps someone like it helped me.



"Dear God, I am willing to do whatever it takes to be free and allow You to do through me what I cannot do for myself. You know what shuts me down. You know how driven I am by fear and how exhausted I am from surrendering to it. Your desire is for me to be free of every unhealthy motivation. Reveal any place they reside uncontested in me and supply the courage that I need to refuse to do their bidding. I am safe with You and loved by You. Because of Your grace, I can come to You just as I am. As you reveal yourself to me, I ask that you also mercifully reveal myself to me. Grant me insight to patterns I've developed, and give me answers that bring healing. I ask You, Lord to help me take responsibility for the insecurity that is my own doing. My own fault. My own sin. Forgive me for being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts You've given me undeveloped and much less effective than You have intended them to be. Forgive me equally for every time I've sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all. You know what first frightened me into believing that no one and nothing could be trusted and that I'm on my own out here in a very unsafe world. You know where I developed a belief system based on the frailities of man instead of the bedrock of You. Touch every broken and wounded place with Your healing hand. Lord, empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me. Help me to see them as needy, broken people in their own right, and Lord, where there is still life and opportunity, bring redemption to those relationships. Help me to understand the gravity of this juncture: that if I do not seek healing and wholeness, I will instead end up perpetuating the cycle of injury. Break the cycle with me, O Lord. Break the cycle with me. Lord, come and treat my heart and soul where they have been shattered by loss. No one on earth can esteem the loss of something precious the way You can. You know the pain. You know my attempt to fill the void with things that never suffice. You know how my feelings frighten me and how the enemy of my soul would have me believe that I will never be okay. Make a liar of him, Lord. Do not let him win. Do not let loss win. Be my strength in weakness. Help me to see any place in my life where I'm hanging onto my grief or anger in an attempt to hang on to what I have lost. Where I've lost innocence, grant me integrity. Where I've held someone responsible for my loss, grant me the ability to forgive. Lord, help me to learn how to hang on tight to You when my life is rocked by dramatic change. Empower me to trust You and not to panic or fight for control. Help me to stop confusing a change in my circumstances to a change in my security status. You are my security, O God. You are the one sure thing. When everything around me shakes, You are unshakable. Increase my appreciation of the ONLY ONE who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Nothing is without purpose. Every gift, challenge, and obstacle is meant to shape the destiny you ordained for me before time began. Please deliver me from self pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations. Of all things, please don't let it be said that I loved myself too much to fully love anybody else. Please don't let me gain the whole world and lose my soul. Father, help me to see where I am overly sensitive and where i put too much pressure on relationships. Help me to see where I insist on making a situation all about me. Help me to cease being so easily wounded, but at the same time, keep me from being hardened. Help me to realize that it's pointless to demand that others love me more or love me better. I cannot put a human incharge of my security without setting him or her up for certain failure. Help me to stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me. No one and nothing can take my dignity away from me now because You are the One who gave it. Help me to realize that I've only lost my dignity because I have surrendered it. Because of YOUR MERCY, Lord, I am no fool. Only a wise woman shifts her trust to you. In Jesus's saving and delivering name, Amen."

My Ever Present Spotter

When I used to cheerlead, I took tumbling classes. For those of you that don't know what tumbling is, it's much like gymnastics. Actually, it's gymnastics.. minus the vault and the balance beam. We did things at tumbling like you'd see cheerleaders do at pep rallies: Back handsprings, back tucks, whips, etc. I loved to tumble. When I was frustrated, I tumbled it out. When I had a bunch of nervous energy, I tumbled it out. There were things about tumbling that scared me, though. I hated standing back handsprings. More than anything. A standing back handspring is when you stand up straight, and just go into a handspring. Backwards. No round-off first. No running first. The first time I ever tried it, I fell. Flat on my back. I couldn't breathe and I was terrified. I hurt for days. After that, I usually had a spotter when I did it. (A spotter is the person who stands beside/behind you while you flip. They're basically there to make sure that you don't die.) Not that I needed one. I was just so terrified that I would land on my head, crack my neck, and die. Right there on the blue tumble floor. Or that I'd hurt myself again, just like the last time. I could do it. I knew I could. I could do everything else in the book, just not this. I just didn't trust myself. I didn't trust my spotter with my safety. I would say, "Ben, are you there?" He always was, but I was so uncertain. I would start to jump backwards, and then stand up and say, "I'm scared. I can't do it." There was something about just jumping. Just going for it. Not being able to see behind you... not being able to see the person who was helping you. I'd just stand there. And my instructor would say, "I'm here, Steph. Trust me. Jump." And I would, and when I did, I always ended up fine. No broken bones, no concussion, nothing.

I quit tumbling when I quit cheerleading. Almost 2 years ago. But even now, I find myself in this situation. Not the exact one, of course... but it applies. I've been dealing with alot for the past couple of weeks. I've been so unsure about where I am, where to go from here, and If I should jump or not. I've been standing here afraid of what might happen to me if I jump. Will I just get hurt again? Am I alone in this? What if I fall? Should I just give up? My dilemma is this: How do I let go of how I was hurt and try to move forward? How do I trust my spotter when I'm hurting like this? I'm so weary. So tired. But I can't give up on myself. I cannot give up on what God has in store for me. He is the ever present spotter. I hear him saying, "I'm here, Steph, Trust me. Jump." I may fall sometimes, but He will always pick me back up. He will always help me move forward from even the most heart breaking past. It hurts to look back. There is so much that I wish I could change. But my future is so promising. So I choose to jump. I choose to trust Him, and I choose to move forward so that I can feel the glory that is promised to me. And my spotter.. He keeps all His promises.


“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30