11:17

I don't want your apology. I don't want anything from you anymore. You are too late.

Things Mrs. Mann Should Have Told Me

My kindergarten teacher really did teach me alot. Now that I think about it, alot of the things that I needed to know.. I learned when I was six in Mrs. Mann's class. But there are some things I wish she would have told me..

1) Stop flicking buttons at Ryan and take a nap. When you're sleeping in Chemistry, you'll regret these shenanagins.

2) Enjoy "centers". You won't always get to play house in school.

3) People don't always share their snacks with you.

4) Grandparent's day is special. There will be times in high school when you want nothing more than for Paw Paw to come eat grapes with you.

5) Its okay to talk across the table.

6) Stop crying because Chelsea won't share the glittery crayons with you. There will be bigger disappointments than that in life.

7) Picking your nose really isn't all that bad.

8) Some people will act like they are this old all of their lives.

9) Go ahead and eat the play dough. It probably has less calories than the other things you'll eat later. And those things will go straight to your hips.

10) Make that raindeer Christmas ornament very carefully.. that'll be on your Christmas tree for many years to come.

11) Get used to being this big. You aren't gonna grow much more.

12) It's cool to do forward rolls in P.E. Some day you'll wish your class consisted of forward rolls.

13) Your handwriting actually isn't all that bad. It'll get better as you get older, but it will soon regress right back to kindergarten level.

14) Your eye patch is pretty.

15) I know you hate being the Christmas Tree in the play when you really wanted to be Mrs. Claus.. but one day you'll be glad you were the Christmas Tree.

16) When you get older, you'll be leaving your hand prints on much more than a big piece of paper.. you'll leave them on people's lives.

A Few of My Philosophies.

I believe...

that two people can look at one thing and see them in two completely different ways.

that just because someone doesn't love you the way that you would like to be loved doesn't mean that they aren't loving you with all that they have.

that letting go is so much harder than holding on.

that everything that happens all fits into some big, perfect plan that is too complex to figure out.

that there is some good in everybody.

that we all laugh, cry, smile, frown, and kiss in the same language.

that people aren't mean just to be mean. Someone has made them that way.

that you cannot control where you came from, but you can control where you go.

that those who do not give themselves respect are asking others to do the same.

that the decision of life should be in no human's hands.

that you cannot love someone without first loving yourself.

that if you are debating between two high calorie things, you should pick the one with the most calories.

that everyone should sit in front of a fire every now and then.

that even the happiest looking people are facing their own personal battles.

that you always have the strength to help a friend in need.

that sometimes I have the right to be angry, but never the right to be cruel.

that sometimes the forgiveness of others isn't enough. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself.

that people really mean their promises in the moment that they are said... sometimes things just don't go as planned.

that the world does not stop turning no matter how hurt you may be.

that no one has the right to wish unhappiness on someone else.

that ignorance is bliss.

that there is always someone who has it worse than you. There is also always someone who has it better.

that no one is above anything.

that even the heroes need a hero.

Keep Breathing

Over the past few months, I have learned so much. I couldn't possibly list all of these life lessons if I tried.. But one thing that has come to my attention is this: Things happen that you cannot control, and trying to take charge of every situation and "fix it" all only drives you crazier. Sometimes all you can do is keep breathing.

Keep Breathing-Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but i don't mind.

People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.

I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.

All i can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that i know is i'm breathing.

All i can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing now.

To The Select Few..

This blog post was inspired by someone else's bright idea. These are the words that I am too afraid to say.

Dear _____,

You have impacted my life SO MUCH. I never knew that I had any talent at all until you pulled it out of me. You believe in me when I don't believe in myself. Sometimes you are so stressed out and I wish that I could stop time for you and let you take a nap. There is absolutely no way that I could ever repay you for all that you have given me. You showed me what I loved to do, and I wouldn't be able to do any of it without you. I will never be able to understand how you do what you do and remain sane. You are amazing and I am so grateful that I get to be a little part of your life. You are my hero.

Dear _____,

I hate that it has to be like this. I hate that all of that had to end this way. I know that we are only human, and I know that you think I'm a hypocrite for not letting you back into my life, but I'm not angry at you. I'm hurting. So much. My heart aches for the friendship that we used to have. I wish that I could trust you. I wish that we could talk.. but I have nothing to say. I'm sorry.

Dear _____,

From the moment I heard your gorgeous voice, I have been hooked on you. You are so charming, handsome, and different. I wish that you could see what I see. I wish that I could help you with your problems as much as you help me with mine. You are such a wonderful person and such a great friend. You mean more to me than I could ever explain to you, and you deserve all the happiness in the world.

Dear _____,

I wish that I had never met you. I wish that I wouldn't have fought so hard for something that you were just going to throw away. I wish I would have run when I had the chance. I wish that I didn't have to completely cut you out of my life, but I know that this is for my own good. I know that I am so much better off without you, but I feel like I've lost a friend. I wish that I could take it all back.. But more than anything, I wish that I could trust you. I wish that I knew you. I wish that I understood you. I hope that you don't forget me.. and I wish that I meant something to you.. anything at all.

Dear _____,

Although your mentality is still stuck back in the 8th grade, you're still one of the most good looking people I've ever seen in my life. I wish that you would make use of the talent that I know you have. I wish you'd stop following the crowd and do what I know you really want to. I wish you'd stop being a weiner and TALK to me. I loved you very much, and I always will.

Dear _____,

You are so precious! I used to think you were kind of a butt hole... but now I just think the world of you. I never thought we'd actually be friends, but you are so sweet and I really appreciate how you let me vent to you. I love how you act like a kid sometimes, and you always make my day a little bit better. I'm really going to miss you next year.

Dear _____,

Sometimes you make me so mad.. and sometimes you make me feel like I am the best thing that has ever happened to the world. I want to tell you that you're wasting your time and energy on me.. that there are lots of others that are better. Actually, I already have. Your relentlessness baffles me and inspires me at the same time. I wish I could make it a little easier on you.

Dear _____.

You were always so angry, and I was always so afraid of you. But as I grew older, I learned not to be afraid.. because actually, you're alot like me. I know you try to be so strong, but I can see through it. You aren't here and things are hard for us right now, but I know it wasn't your choice to leave. I love you very much, and I hope you're doing okay.

Dear _____,

I used to feel like we were strangers. Definitely not family. But I have watched you come so far, and I am immensely proud of you. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. I see so much love and faith and fight in you, and it inspires me. I love you so much more than I could ever tell you.

When It Rains

Hey again. It's been a while, hasn't it? I don't even remember my last blog post. So much has been going on lately, and that's weird because you'd think that it would be the time that I'd want to blog the most. I guess I just haven't had time... or made it. I'm not really even sure where to begin. I guess I'll start with the things that are going on as of now. OHTS (my school's theatre society of which I am a proud member) is in the middle of performing our Spring Musical. Last year we put on "Oliver!" and this year, we are showing "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street". School edition of course. I could ramble on forever about this musical, but that deserves a post of its own. It's pretty much my single focus right about now.. or I'm trying to make it that way. This weekend will be our closing weekend. I always feel a pang of sadness every closing night. Anyways, there's that.. and so much more going on that I don't even think I could organize them all and type them into this blog post. Lately it's like the world is spinning so fast. It's like I'm standing still and everything else is whirring past me at the speed of light.. before I can hold onto it for long enough. I feel like I am learning so much. I feel like these things that are happening are the things that are making me into who I am supposed to be. There are so many doubts and questions and things whirling about in my mind that I don't even know how to organize them.


And now that you are updated.. let me get to my point. Last night, the weather was bad. And I mean really bad. I usually hate the rain. I hate when I'm having a perfectly good day and then the rain comes and there's no more sun, the birds are quiet, and everything is wet and gray. I was laying in bed last night tossing and turning and asking my brain to please shut up when the power went off. My fan turned off and my iHome went black. This didn't really bother me because I didn't really need the power anyways if I was trying to sleep. I kept turning over and repositioning myself until I finally accepted the fact that I wouldn't be sleeping for a few more hours. I stared at the ceiling and watched as it lit up from the lightning outside. It was followed by a huge boom of thunder (that I could hear very clearly because of my still fan) and the constant pounding of rain. I've always heard thunderstorms, but never really listened to them. I laid there and counted the seconds between the lightning and the thunder. I did that for a while. I thought of nothing but the rain, the thunder, and the lightning. My mind was not swamped with questions or insecurities or the other things that it is usually swamped with. I was still. I was calm. I've always heard people say that there is something so compelling about the rain... and I always disagreed, saying that rain just sucked. But after last night, I feel completely different. I wished that I could just lay there in my warm jersey sheets forever. I wanted to stop time right then and I wanted it to be just me, my bed, and that storm until I was ready to face the daylight again. It made me realize that time stands still for no one. It's going to rain sometimes, even when all you want is the sunshine. And you can either be upset about it or you can lay there and embrace it.. listen to it. It also made me realize that we're all the same in that way.. we all need shelter from the rain. Literally and metaphorically. When our lives are speeding past us, all we want is comfort. When the rain is pouring, all we want is a roof. Life is a wild ride. You can't control what it throws at you, but you can control how you take it.