How To Be a Complete and Total Douchebag: The Complete Guide!

DISCLAIMER: This is not directed at anyone. This is not meant to offend anyone. Just me attempting to be humorous. Take it as you will. :)

Alright.. so you wanna be a douchebag? No worries! It's easy. All you have to do is follow these simple steps:

APPEARANCE:
First of all, you can't play the part without dressing the part. We'll start at the top and work our way to the bottom. Stop washing your hair. Stop brushing it. Wake up in the morning, look at your bedhead, and think, "I'm so fine." Leave it that way. If it starts to smell, just spray some febreeze on it. No biggie. OR if you don't want to try that option, just buzz it all off and talk about how hardcore you are for doing it. If you must wear head gear, it is best to choose a hat with a flat bill. There are a wide variety of shirts that fit the profile you are going for. It is best to wear ones that are two sizes too small.. and if you are going to wear a button up, NEVER button it up past the 4th button. Be sure that everyone can see your whole chest. Basically, just be sure that your pecks are being shown off at all times. Now to pants. In the winter, it is best to wear jeans that are extremely tight on your backside. In the summer, wear shorts that are shorter than your girlfriend's. Your shoes do not need to match. At all.

ATTITUDE:
In general: talk about things that you know nothing about. It is perfectly okay. For example: talk about the government, the economy, and politics. Even though you know nothing about them, you can still open your mouth and proceed to let anything AT ALL come out of it. It is okay to speak whenever you would like and it absolutely does not matter if someone else is talking. Have the mentality that nobody is as strong as you, as fast as you, as good at any sport as you, or as good looking as you. Know that you are good looking. And make sure that you never have a profile picture that doesn't have a hot girl in it. Also, be sure to call everybody "bro". Females like to be called "bro". Be very rude. Only drink Sam Adams. JUST SAM ADAMS. Search the internet for bands that nobody else has ever heard of, and talk about how awesome they are.. even if they suck. If you find something, assume that it is yours and take it. Even if you saw it fall out of someone's pocket, it is yours.

If you have a girlfriend: do not refer to her as such. When you take her places, introduce her as your friend. Or your neighbor. Or your house sitter. Or your assistant. It is also acceptable to not acknowledge her presence at all. Do not take her out on dates. If you go out to eat, do not pay for her food. In fact, be sure that she has extra cash.. just incase you don't have enough. Better yet, never go out to eat. Insist that she comes over and makes you a sandwich. Never hold her doors. Just because she is a woman does not mean that she cannot open the door for herself. Ignore this girl as much as possible. Do not text her back before the 45 minute mark because that is unacceptable. Instead of texting her back do things like play Black Ops, shoot squirrels, admire yourself in any reflective surface, take pictures of yourself, talk to other more attractive girls, and wash your truck that you have to use a ladder to get into. Break up with said girl after no more than 4 months. You do not need an excuse.

If you are single: do everything in your power to not be that way. Flirt with as many girls as you possibly can. Do not try and remember their names. That is pointless. Females do not have names. Get as many phone numbers as you can, as fast as you can. Brag to the girls about how much you can bench. That impresses them. You should probably also stick out your chest as much as possible. It also doesn't hurt to make the veins pop out of your neck. Use pick up lines. Contrary to popular belief, they work and they do not offend women at all. Do not ask a girl if she has a boyfriend because you are probably more attractive than him anyways. Remember.. when talking to a female, real douchebags have one purpose and one purpose only.. get her to show you her boobs. It is very important to keep that in mind.

If you follow these simple steps, you can be a douchebag in no time! Good luck and happy douchebaggery!