Some Insightful Words

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” -Bob Marley

How To Be a Complete and Total Douchebag: The Complete Guide!

DISCLAIMER: This is not directed at anyone. This is not meant to offend anyone. Just me attempting to be humorous. Take it as you will. :)

Alright.. so you wanna be a douchebag? No worries! It's easy. All you have to do is follow these simple steps:

APPEARANCE:
First of all, you can't play the part without dressing the part. We'll start at the top and work our way to the bottom. Stop washing your hair. Stop brushing it. Wake up in the morning, look at your bedhead, and think, "I'm so fine." Leave it that way. If it starts to smell, just spray some febreeze on it. No biggie. OR if you don't want to try that option, just buzz it all off and talk about how hardcore you are for doing it. If you must wear head gear, it is best to choose a hat with a flat bill. There are a wide variety of shirts that fit the profile you are going for. It is best to wear ones that are two sizes too small.. and if you are going to wear a button up, NEVER button it up past the 4th button. Be sure that everyone can see your whole chest. Basically, just be sure that your pecks are being shown off at all times. Now to pants. In the winter, it is best to wear jeans that are extremely tight on your backside. In the summer, wear shorts that are shorter than your girlfriend's. Your shoes do not need to match. At all.

ATTITUDE:
In general: talk about things that you know nothing about. It is perfectly okay. For example: talk about the government, the economy, and politics. Even though you know nothing about them, you can still open your mouth and proceed to let anything AT ALL come out of it. It is okay to speak whenever you would like and it absolutely does not matter if someone else is talking. Have the mentality that nobody is as strong as you, as fast as you, as good at any sport as you, or as good looking as you. Know that you are good looking. And make sure that you never have a profile picture that doesn't have a hot girl in it. Also, be sure to call everybody "bro". Females like to be called "bro". Be very rude. Only drink Sam Adams. JUST SAM ADAMS. Search the internet for bands that nobody else has ever heard of, and talk about how awesome they are.. even if they suck. If you find something, assume that it is yours and take it. Even if you saw it fall out of someone's pocket, it is yours.

If you have a girlfriend: do not refer to her as such. When you take her places, introduce her as your friend. Or your neighbor. Or your house sitter. Or your assistant. It is also acceptable to not acknowledge her presence at all. Do not take her out on dates. If you go out to eat, do not pay for her food. In fact, be sure that she has extra cash.. just incase you don't have enough. Better yet, never go out to eat. Insist that she comes over and makes you a sandwich. Never hold her doors. Just because she is a woman does not mean that she cannot open the door for herself. Ignore this girl as much as possible. Do not text her back before the 45 minute mark because that is unacceptable. Instead of texting her back do things like play Black Ops, shoot squirrels, admire yourself in any reflective surface, take pictures of yourself, talk to other more attractive girls, and wash your truck that you have to use a ladder to get into. Break up with said girl after no more than 4 months. You do not need an excuse.

If you are single: do everything in your power to not be that way. Flirt with as many girls as you possibly can. Do not try and remember their names. That is pointless. Females do not have names. Get as many phone numbers as you can, as fast as you can. Brag to the girls about how much you can bench. That impresses them. You should probably also stick out your chest as much as possible. It also doesn't hurt to make the veins pop out of your neck. Use pick up lines. Contrary to popular belief, they work and they do not offend women at all. Do not ask a girl if she has a boyfriend because you are probably more attractive than him anyways. Remember.. when talking to a female, real douchebags have one purpose and one purpose only.. get her to show you her boobs. It is very important to keep that in mind.

If you follow these simple steps, you can be a douchebag in no time! Good luck and happy douchebaggery!

So, like I mentioned in one of my last posts, I don't do much at my job. Tonight we had a really slow spell. All the beds were clean, my list of chores were done, I'd already painted my nails, texted everyone back.. and there was nothing to do. I could have, of course, read my summer reading book that was sitting in my purse.. but I'd have to be pretty desperate to do that. Not because I don't like books. Because I very much do. But because that book is extremely and utterly boring. And nonfiction. No. Thank. You. So.. I pulled out a little notebook from the side drawer and made some lists: lists of things that I love and lists of things that I could do without. For all that are interested, here you go.

Things that Stephanie dislikes:

• Pessimistic people.


• Mean people.. people that target others just because.


• Ebonics.


• Ignorance.


• People that stand in the hallways/aisles at WalMart like the people behind them have nowhere to be.


• Close mindedness. Is mindedness a word?


• Chihuahuas


• When someone cannot hold a conversation.


• Awkward silences.


• When I pull on a door that is supposed to be pushed and make myself look really dumb.


• Dr. Pepper


• Seafood


• Seeing someone being made fun of


• MATH


• A person that HAS to prove that they are right and you are wrong.


• Clowns


• When someone takes 5 hours to text back


• Dishonesty


• Fighting. With anyone.


• Confrontation.


• Being stuck in the house.


• Not being able to sleep.


• losing touch with someone.


• Looking back on a friendship and knowing that it won't ever be the same.


• Wanting so badly to change something.. yet knowing that you can't.


• Toddlers and Tiaras.


• Politics. Seriously.. shut up.


• When people's tags stick out of their shirts.


• My retainers.


• Being lied to.. because it makes me feel like I wasn't good enough for the truth.


• Being blown off or pushed aside.


• Predictable books.


• Having so many children that you deserve a reality show.


• That my list is this long.. and that it could keep going.

Things that Stephanie loves:

• Sunshine.


• Coffee.


• Taco Bell


• Shoes of every shape and kind and color and brand <3


• Nail polish


• Good books.


• English.


• When you lay on the couch all day and feel like you haven't wasted a single minute.


• My nephews.


• Miniature things


• Bonfires


• Sailboats


• Audrey Hepburn


• Insightful quotes.


• Twitter.


• Having a clean room.


• Smelling good.


• Cooking... particularly baking.


• Big Band music.


• Riding with the windows down.. no matter what the weather.


• Loving people.


• Nice people.. the kind of people that turn your whole day around just by being who they are.


• Musical Theatre.. and acting in general.


• CSI, Law & Order, Criminal Minds, etc.


• Being around kids.


• Helping people.


• Smiling and being smiled at in return.


• Generous people.


• Buying a bunch of stuff on sale and reveling in the glory of how much money you just saved.


• catching lightening bugs.. and letting them go of course.


• Golden Retrievers.


• Thinking about my future.


• Sweet Tea. Preferably my mom's.


• Hydrangeas.


• Decorating.


• Weddings.. everything about them.


• Dresses.


• Bracelets.. lots of them.


• Having lots and lots of candles allll over the place.


• Being tan.


• Handsome boys. Nice ones though.


• Traveling.


• Being with the people that I love.


• People that can make me laugh.


• Corny jokes.


• Being spontaneous.. doing something just because it feels right.


• Watching the sun come up and go down.


• Knowing that everything happens for a reason.. and that it'll all be just fine in the end.


• Learning from my mistakes.


• Knowing that God has always got my back.


• Black, shiny, too big for me, SUVs.


• Being short. Yep.


• Laughing genuinely and heartily.


• My friends. :)


• My life.


• That this list is so long.. and that I could keep it going forever.

My Big Fat New Obsession

When I say gypsy, what comes to your mind? I think of that fortune teller from Scooby Doo. I think of an old woman in a slinky clothes and clanky bangles with a crystal ball surrounded by smoke. I didn't think that "gypsies" were real. But I have learned that they are. TLC has come out with a new show called My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. These people are very very different. So different, in fact, that I have been sitting on my couch watching the same episode repeat for a little over an hour. These people are called Irish Travelers. I'm assuming that they are Irish, but the episode that I have been watching is taking place in Northern Wales. They move around so much that it is impossible for any of them to stay in school. Most of them cannot read or write. The boys stay in school a little longer than the girls do because the girls are taken out of school around age 13 to focus on being housewives. They usually live in "trailers"or what I was taught to call a camper. They spend their young lives on the prowl for a spouse.. and the girls dress like fairy hookers. All the time. Everything is so extravagent. Even their infants have bejeweled pacifiers. The boys often take part in a custom called "grabbing" where you literally chase a girl, catch her, and force her to kiss you. It can get very physical from what I have noticed. The boys are allowed to start drinking when they are around 11.. and girls are not allowed to. Equality is not in their vocabulary whatsoever. I'm not even getting to the good part. When they get married (around 16... no big deal) they dress so outlandishly. Their dresses are so huge that they have their own gravitational pull. Seriously, these girls have a really hard time getting in and out of their stretch Bentley limos. Think of the biggest wedding dress you've ever seen.. and the gypsy girl's is 2 times bigger. They stack their hair up higher than the nasdaq building and they wear huge crowns to top it off. Their wedding cakes look like castles.. complete with Barbies. And Barbie horses. Do I approve of this way of life? Nope. Am I extremely intrigued? Absolutely. I love watching these people participate in the ridiculous and outlandish rituals that are their way of life.. because it adds one more bullet to the list of reasons that I am proud to be an American. And not a gypsy.

ramblerambleramble

Well, it sure has been a while hasn't it? I feel like my blog posts are becoming more of an extremely rare update on my life... they can't be any fun. I think that I'm going to make a game out of this and see how much I can blog. So, I promise (and I use that term loosely) that this will be the last extremely drawn out and boring post about the recent happenings in my life. Let's begin.

Summer is here! It's been here for a while actually, and as soon as the summer began, I started to work. Although my job is extremely easy, I wish I didn't have to. Maybe it's just me not wanting to grow up and have my own money and worry about how much of it I have left.. I don't know. I basically sit behind a desk, type names into a compter, clean up people's sweaty tanning beds, and empty out trash. For 6 hours. Sometimes I sit in one place for so long my butt starts to hurt a little bit. Woe is me, right? Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful to have a job in an economy that has very little to spare... but I kind of wish I was chasing kids around or something. Oh, that reminds me! I'm about to start doing just that. Because... I'M PREGNANT! No. Just kidding. I'm not pregnant. I'm about to start a job watching two little boys in the mornings. I met one of them a couple of months ago.. and he cried. So that should be good. But, hey, I bet I can make him warm up to me. I'm kind of ready to have two jobs. I think i'll feel pretty accomplished.. with my fat wallet and all. Anyways, other than working.. i've been doing alot of laying by the pool and sleeping and adding to my massive nail polish collection and eating cheerios at ungodly hours of the night.. the normal summer stuff. I have something so exciting to tell you guys!!! Every little girl wants a pony, right? I mean.. i'm sure you can ask a number of three year olds what they want the most and they will say something along the lines of "a pwetty pony wif pink hair!"Some little girls get their ponies, and some little girls get a crap load of beanie babies. I was the latter. I was okay with that, though. Beanie Babies would suffice. A couple of days ago I was driving around with my mom and she got a phone call from my dad.. what I heard went something like this. "Hey. You did what? Uh huh.. uh huh.. GASP. NO! Oh my gosh. Well I'll just have to let you tell her that." Turns out, my dad got me A MINIATURE PONY!!! I was incredibly excited about this because as you all know, I adore anything miniature. It just makes me giddy inside. He is a year and a half old, 27 inches tall, black and white paint, and is trained to walk on a leash. I'm going to name him Monty and I am SO EXCITED!! We pick him up tomorrow! :) So be expecting a post about that very soon. That's all for now. My fingers hurt.. ouch.